my angel ₊˚⊹ ᰔ

 ' she brushes my hair with a physical hand,

lowers my body down to the land. ' 

 

 

It's the middle of maths, and I have a strong urge to kill myself. 

Even though I was raised Catholic and have been practising it since birth, it's been quite difficult to begin to not question the foundation of the religion. do we really need balance? If our Father truly loved us, why did he create the ability to sin? My religion teacher says 'for the sake of our free will', but, does he not have the ability to bestow ability of free will without the possibility of sin? He is not omnipotent if he can't, and if he simply just doesn't want to, then he wants not the best for his children on Earth?

As I mull over that, I remember now. I started crocheting with toilet paper in the stall I cried in. Near the gallery building, always in the stall closest to the wall, so I could lean on it. Gross. I could only stare at the fat blotches of tears on the grey floor and recently painted grey walls I hated and the dust compiled under the sanitary bin. It smelled like piss and period blood...

alright, 3 minutes before snack. i'll wrap up now.

grey walls and dust ‧₊˚♪ 𝄞₊˚⊹

' and if i could be who you wanted, 

if i could be who you wanted,

all the time. ' 

jack of all trades, master of none. my mother told me when i was a wee little child, something along the lines of that. 'learn everything', 'know everything so you can decide early' blah blah blah. and i tried to follow; sewing, biking, karate, dance, piano, guitar, crochet, knitting... and

still, i don't know what i want (i know who i want, but that's a story for another day). this teenager thing ends all too quickly, man. and i should pick now, i'm fourteen! if i'm to prove that i actually want the major i like then i should prove all of that, now. is this odd? weird that i'm thinking about university now?? fuck waiting, thinking drives me crazy. recently! one of my homeroom teachers, in a parent teacher meeting, explained pretty much everything that happens and in hindsight its genuinely funny how uncomplicated it all looks. oh, thinking of that made me think of that charlie chaplin quote, 'life is a tragedy in close up, comedy in long shot', and god how that applies!! 

so, in this chaos, i'll just see his cheek in my hand, and feel through me by fate line, head line, heart line the blood meant for my brain slobber over it because even the innards long to touch you. how they must hate the spoiled skin.

or not, haha. because you're somewhere far now. (ᵕ—ᴗ—)

but its not a bad thing. though i don't think i'm dragging your dead weight forward anymore. i refuse to regret you, because i live by the fact that no love, however brief, is wasted. maybe we'll meet again. the stars glow wherever you are.