a string of logic and none

Also, I've thought of this carefully during science—both science and other classes,—since until one or two weeks ago we were covering heat transfers and energy.. you can't 'gain' coldness, right? It's simply the absence of heat. So, would it apply to the next thing I'm to say? Maybe, hate isn't its own entity, and instead the absence of love. I HAD something to say about the law of reflection, and a great idea I had for a story. Capitalisation of the 'had' means I can't articulate it well enough to make it exist coherently, yet. I'm probably going to add this entry into my physical diary, of esurience, yearning, despair, and denial... All characteristics of which I never act upon, most likely because I strongly believe my mental detriment makes me create beautiful things. There's a reason starving artists are only appreciated after death, if at all.

(This is not the big revelation I thought it was. No average person is unique. I feel the same feeling I felt after watching 'Girl, Interrupted' for the first time and romanticised the idea of being accepted in the psychiatric ward. 'I'll never fall into a state like that again!', I thought. Evidently, the contrary's happened.)

grey walls and dust ‧₊˚♪ 𝄞₊˚⊹

' and if i could be who you wanted, 

if i could be who you wanted,

all the time. ' 

jack of all trades, master of none. my mother told me when i was a wee little child, something along the lines of that. 'learn everything', 'know everything so you can decide early' blah blah blah. and i tried to follow; sewing, biking, karate, dance, piano, guitar, crochet, knitting... and

still, i don't know what i want (i know who i want, but that's a story for another day). this teenager thing ends all too quickly, man. and i should pick now, i'm fourteen! if i'm to prove that i actually want the major i like then i should prove all of that, now. is this odd? weird that i'm thinking about university now?? fuck waiting, thinking drives me crazy. recently! one of my homeroom teachers, in a parent teacher meeting, explained pretty much everything that happens and in hindsight its genuinely funny how uncomplicated it all looks. oh, thinking of that made me think of that charlie chaplin quote, 'life is a tragedy in close up, comedy in long shot', and god how that applies!! 

so, in this chaos, i'll just see his cheek in my hand, and feel through me by fate line, head line, heart line the blood meant for my brain slobber over it because even the innards long to touch you. how they must hate the spoiled skin.

or not, haha. because you're somewhere far now. (ᵕ—ᴗ—)

but its not a bad thing. though i don't think i'm dragging your dead weight forward anymore. i refuse to regret you, because i live by the fact that no love, however brief, is wasted. maybe we'll meet again. the stars glow wherever you are.