grey walls and dust ‧₊˚♪ 𝄞₊˚⊹

' and if i could be who you wanted, 

if i could be who you wanted,

all the time. ' 

jack of all trades, master of none. my mother told me when i was a wee little child, something along the lines of that. 'learn everything', 'know everything so you can decide early' blah blah blah. and i tried to follow; sewing, biking, karate, dance, piano, guitar, crochet, knitting... and

still, i don't know what i want (i know who i want, but that's a story for another day). this teenager thing ends all too quickly, man. and i should pick now, i'm fourteen! if i'm to prove that i actually want the major i like then i should prove all of that, now. is this odd? weird that i'm thinking about university now?? fuck waiting, thinking drives me crazy. recently! one of my homeroom teachers, in a parent teacher meeting, explained pretty much everything that happens and in hindsight its genuinely funny how uncomplicated it all looks. oh, thinking of that made me think of that charlie chaplin quote, 'life is a tragedy in close up, comedy in long shot', and god how that applies!! 

so, in this chaos, i'll just see his cheek in my hand, and feel through me by fate line, head line, heart line the blood meant for my brain slobber over it because even the innards long to touch you. how they must hate the spoiled skin.

or not, haha. because you're somewhere far now. (ᵕ—ᴗ—)

but its not a bad thing. though i don't think i'm dragging your dead weight forward anymore. i refuse to regret you, because i live by the fact that no love, however brief, is wasted. maybe we'll meet again. the stars glow wherever you are.

on the movie blue (2002)

don't watch that yuri from the early 2000s!!! its gonna rot in the back of your mind for days, if not months!!

blue was released in 2002, and directed by hiroshi ando. it has a manga, which released in 1997, and i've yet to read. so
on, i promise myself.

what a quiet movie. i mean, yeah, yeah! of course there's dialogue. just, along with it, a ton of moments in which silence sleeps, and scenes let itself fall into place. waves crashing onto the shore, the hum of the crickets nearby. pencils scratching on paper, the buzzing laughter of children. and the music kind of serves to support the ambiance of the story, rather than show the emotion intended, if you get it (that flute instrument has been stuck in my head for a while. dammit). the picture of two girls sitting aside each other on the sand, one won't look at the other.

that silence means everything by having nothing because it forces you to read into the characters. each twitch of their hand, squint of their eyes, and when they speak, their delivery is all the more important. like, by knowing the story's characters and their stories and lives, you kind of give a shit and, the movie feels like something that's yours. 

ha, anyway, before i continue talking, i think its best if i vaguely give a synopsis... basically, in a small town by the seaside, two girls, kayako and endo, become friends and drift away from everybody else. and they fall in love. or something, they're not friends, or lovers, they're really confused about what the hell is going on. woah, when did that happen?

what do you call it? the tint of the film? whatever it's called, that's a huge factor in, again, making it feel 'personal'?. 

closing thoughts: ah, to be a high school girl scared shitless about their future while battling situationship final boss. blue made my ribcage lack a beating heart and want to die skyrocket at times. i would pause at frames and stare and think, and repeat before i realised how long it'd been, to start up again. oh, and smile. it made me smile, genuinely, for the first time in a while. not out of laughter, or with the goal of performance. softly, lovingly (and the subject of the love had disappeared long ago), and somehow i didn't care that i had an exam the next day, and i was in a dark room in the cold shivering. and the quiet in the movie is gentle and albeit slow but i think that slowness is a necessary evil. beautiful movie, made me feel too many emotions at once, and sad, sad, sadness. it captures a lot of things you would feel when in an ambiguous relationship. 

on the night he told me he was                                                               that i       him. he just looked at me and kept muttering to me that i should forget    . but he          

just like that    , i don't think i'll ever be able to forget blue. betraying myself like that, i would never let that happen. it's in everything i am and see now. i let that happen.