a string of logic and none

Also, I've thought of this carefully during science—both science and other classes,—since until one or two weeks ago we were covering heat transfers and energy.. you can't 'gain' coldness, right? It's simply the absence of heat. So, would it apply to the next thing I'm to say? Maybe, hate isn't its own entity, and instead the absence of love. I HAD something to say about the law of reflection, and a great idea I had for a story. Capitalisation of the 'had' means I can't articulate it well enough to make it exist coherently, yet. I'm probably going to add this entry into my physical diary, of esurience, yearning, despair, and denial... All characteristics of which I never act upon, most likely because I strongly believe my mental detriment makes me create beautiful things. There's a reason starving artists are only appreciated after death, if at all.

(This is not the big revelation I thought it was. No average person is unique. I feel the same feeling I felt after watching 'Girl, Interrupted' for the first time and romanticised the idea of being accepted in the psychiatric ward. 'I'll never fall into a state like that again!', I thought. Evidently, the contrary's happened.)

pains on my tongue

on the way to school i was cautiously slurping the mocha and hot chocolate concoction my mum made, in small increments because it was too hot to cool down quickly enough with my saliva. each time i sipped the warmth would turn into burning on my lips. the velocity of the car over a speed bump chucked my cupped hands back, and forth went a huge dollop of lava onto my tongue. it hurt, and i'm fine now as i write this at the blade of the sun bleeding through the car's windows. what i'm more worried about is how much i liked the burn. so now this fool is much too scared to try it again in fear of discovering the art of masochism.

my angel ₊˚⊹ ᰔ

 ' she brushes my hair with a physical hand,

lowers my body down to the land. ' 

 

 

It's the middle of maths, and I have a strong urge to kill myself. 

Even though I was raised Catholic and have been practising it since birth, it's been quite difficult to begin to not question the foundation of the religion. do we really need balance? If our Father truly loved us, why did he create the ability to sin? My religion teacher says 'for the sake of our free will', but, does he not have the ability to bestow ability of free will without the possibility of sin? He is not omnipotent if he can't, and if he simply just doesn't want to, then he wants not the best for his children on Earth?

As I mull over that, I remember now. I started crocheting with toilet paper in the stall I cried in. Near the gallery building, always in the stall closest to the wall, so I could lean on it. Gross. I could only stare at the fat blotches of tears on the grey floor and recently painted grey walls I hated and the dust compiled under the sanitary bin. It smelled like piss and period blood...

alright, 3 minutes before snack. i'll wrap up now.

grey walls and dust ‧₊˚♪ 𝄞₊˚⊹

' and if i could be who you wanted, 

if i could be who you wanted,

all the time. ' 

jack of all trades, master of none. my mother told me when i was a wee little child, something along the lines of that. 'learn everything', 'know everything so you can decide early' blah blah blah. and i tried to follow; sewing, biking, karate, dance, piano, guitar, crochet, knitting... and

still, i don't know what i want (i know who i want, but that's a story for another day). this teenager thing ends all too quickly, man. and i should pick now, i'm fourteen! if i'm to prove that i actually want the major i like then i should prove all of that, now. is this odd? weird that i'm thinking about university now?? fuck waiting, thinking drives me crazy. recently! one of my homeroom teachers, in a parent teacher meeting, explained pretty much everything that happens and in hindsight its genuinely funny how uncomplicated it all looks. oh, thinking of that made me think of that charlie chaplin quote, 'life is a tragedy in close up, comedy in long shot', and god how that applies!! 

so, in this chaos, i'll just see his cheek in my hand, and feel through me by fate line, head line, heart line the blood meant for my brain slobber over it because even the innards long to touch you. how they must hate the spoiled skin.

or not, haha. because you're somewhere far now. (ᵕ—ᴗ—)

but its not a bad thing. though i don't think i'm dragging your dead weight forward anymore. i refuse to regret you, because i live by the fact that no love, however brief, is wasted. maybe we'll meet again. the stars glow wherever you are.

on the movie blue (2002)

don't watch that yuri from the early 2000s!!! its gonna rot in the back of your mind for days, if not months!!

blue was released in 2002, and directed by hiroshi ando. it has a manga, which released in 1997, and i've yet to read. so
on, i promise myself.

what a quiet movie. i mean, yeah, yeah!1! of course there's dialogue. just, along with it, a ton of moments in which silence sleeps, and scenes let itself fall into place. waves crashing onto the shore, the hum of the crickets nearby. pencils scratching on paper, the buzzing laughter of children. and the music kind of serves to support the ambiance of the story, rather than show the emotion intended, if you get it (that flute instrument has been stuck in my head for a while. dammit). the picture of two girls sitting aside each other on the sand, one won't look at the other.

that silence means everything by having nothing because it forces you to read into the characters way more, like the twitch of their hand, squint of their eyes, the manner in which they speak, their delivery, the importance of those things to the viewer doubles, triples. like, by having the feeling of necessity of paying more attention, as a result of the boredom, instilled into you, you kind of give a shit and, the movie feels like something that's yours. 

ha, anyway, before i continue talking, i think its best if i vaguely give a synopsis... basically, in a small town by the seaside, two girls, kayako and endo, become friends and drift away from everybody else. and they fall in love. or something, they're not friends, or lovers, they're really confused about what the hell is going on. woah, when did that happen?

what do you call it? the tint of the film? whatever it's called, that's a huge factor in, again, making it feel 'personal'?. 

anyway, closing thoughts: ah, to be a high school girl scared shitless about their future while battling situationship final boss. blue made my ribcage lack a beating heart and want to die skyrocket at times. i would pause at frames and stare and think, and repeat before i realised how long it'd been, to start up again. oh, and smile. it made me smile, genuinely, for the first time in a while. not out of laughter, or with the goal of performance. softly, lovingly (and the subject of the love had disappeared long ago), and somehow i didn't care that i had a test the next day, and i was in a dark room in the cold shivering. and the quiet in the movie is gentle and albeit slow but i think that slowness is a necessary evil. beautiful movie, made me feel too many emotions at once, and not enough, and the fact that it's able to hold that duality is commendable. it captures a lot of things you would feel in a relationship like kayako and endo's. 

on the night         told me he was                                                               that i       him. he just looked at me and kept muttering to me that i should forget    . but he          

just like that    , i don't think i'll ever be able to forget blue. betraying myself like that, i would never let that happen. it's in everything i am and see now. i let that happen.