my angel ₊˚⊹ ᰔ

 ' she brushes my hair with a physical hand,

lowers my body down to the land. ' 

 

 

good morning and goodnight and whatever's in between to you :)

it's the middle of maths, and i have a strong urge to kill myself. even though i'm catholic, it's been difficult to start not questioning the foundation of the religion. do we really need balance? if our Father truly loved us, why did he create the ability to sin? you could say 'for the sake of our free will', but, wouldn't he surefire have the ability to bestow ability of free will without the possibility of sin? to rid myself of this guilt, i usually empty my mind, and that comes in the form of an activity. whether it be typing this blog post, or crocheting. i'd love to be doing the latter, but it's not possible, so i choose the former. crocheting and typing brings my skin away from the focus of everything. the desk is too cold, and my nose is now starting to run, the drawstring of my waistband is too tight and pressing on my belly, and my right shoe is too loose. wasn't like this at all from what i recall.

i don't know what happened in the months of the summer 2 years ago, during which i was very melancholic (just lonely). i never did meet my friends outside of school, so even if they were in front of me it felt like trying to talk to a stranger when they mentioned playdates and birthday parties. i never went to a sleepover, or things like that. once, my friends told me to play with somebody else. i think they should've known i had no one else. it's not their fault for wanting me away honestly. hey, i just unlocked a memory reminiscing about that! i started crocheting with toilet paper in the stall i cried in. always the stall closest to the wall so i could lean on it. gross. however, before that, i could only stare at the fat blotches of tears on the grey floor and recently painted grey walls that made the room feel small and the dust compiled under the sanitary bin. it smelled like piss and period blood.

anyway, my point is crocheting and writing grounds me, and for a second your father did not call you a useless, stupid female, and there is not an exam you need to study for. i am able to ignore it all when centering on one singular thing. so reflection makes me realise that people holding me helps, greatly. ok enough of the formal language and punctuation WHY do i keep connecting every entry to him.UGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH WHY WHY WHYHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHAHHHHHHHHHHH AHHHHH!!! BRO

alright, 3 minutes before snack. i'll wrap up now.

grey walls and dust ‧₊˚♪ 𝄞₊˚⊹

' and if i could be who you wanted, 

if i could be who you wanted,

all the time. ' 

jack of all trades, master of none. my mother told me when i was a wee little child, something along the lines of that. 'learn everything', 'know everything so you can decide early' blah blah blah. and i tried to follow; sewing, biking, karate, dance, piano, guitar, crochet, knitting... and

still, i don't know what i want (i know who i want, but that's a story for another day). this teenager thing ends all too quickly, man. and i should pick now, i'm fourteen! if i'm to prove that i actually want the major i like then i should prove all of that, now. is this odd? weird that i'm thinking about university now?? fuck waiting, thinking drives me crazy. recently! one of my homeroom teachers, in a parent teacher meeting, explained pretty much everything that happens and in hindsight its genuinely funny how uncomplicated it all looks. oh, thinking of that made me think of that charlie chaplin quote, 'life is a tragedy in close up, comedy in long shot', and god how that applies!! 

so, in this chaos, i'll just see his cheek in my hand, and feel through me by fate line, head line, heart line the blood meant for my brain slobber over it because even the innards long to touch you. how they must hate the spoiled skin.

or not, haha. because you're somewhere far now. (ᵕ—ᴗ—)

but its not a bad thing. though i don't think i'm dragging your dead weight forward anymore. i refuse to regret you, because i live by the fact that no love, however brief, is wasted. maybe we'll meet again. the stars shall glow wherever you are now.